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The Priorities of Pain


I had a bad feeling this would happen. I felt the first disc give way on November 10 - it was kind of a slow slide into disintegration which I ignored as I was caring for Mr. Double Up, who was recuperating from surgery. I lost all feeling in my right foot, but could still manage the farm, although all extracurricular activities had to be abandoned.


Then the next disc gave in, and this one brought the smack down. I've had some serious pain, but never anything like this. It would knock me to the ground, leaving me dragging myself across the floor trying to get to some place I could lay down . As long as I was prone, it was not too bad. Trying to sit, stand or walk would take me down screaming. Me....screaming and crying. I know I can be “drama-ful” but even so.... one day, on returning from an hour’s drive to the dr., I begged Mr. Double Up to shoot me (he declined to do so, and put all the guns where I could not get to them). I remember calling a friend at 3:00 in the morning to help me put all of my affairs in order, weeping incessantly.


Today marks Day 20 of this little trial. My right foot is still numb, but I have gotten very good about understanding what will trigger the pain, and avoiding it. I can get up long enough to take a shower, hobble downstairs, or work on the business in 10 minute increments. I am setting up a room on the main floor to make things a little easier for Mr. Double Up, who is now tasked with taking care of me, the farm, and the business. My best friend has supplied us with two weeks of dinners; I have hired someone to clean the house, and someone to help with farm chores. I have asked a friend to help me reduce my livestock to try and ease the work and the expenses. I am trying to take heart that I have upgraded from invalid to cripple.


I see a surgeon next week - and whatever the outcome, I am looking at many weeks of recovery. I discovered that in the face of this kind of pain, many of my holistic healing beliefs have taken a serious hit. I would do whatever it takes to eliminate this pain - and know that in the face of torture I would crack like an egg immediately.


I am grateful for Mr. Double Up, my wonderful friends, my adjustable bed, my recliner, my cane, and my foresight in having saved money for 40 years. I am currently regretting living an hour away from everything, having all of these animals, and having no reliable source of income. I am trying to appreciate that perhaps this is a valuable lesson in straightening out my priorities and perhaps, learning to slow down. But really, I would have preferred a memo....

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